Peace and quiet.....

I cooked a Sunday dinner today so husband could go to work on a full stomach. Now I'm down stairs husband is at work, my three eldest are upstairs playing and smallest is on the settee asleep. FINALLY some peace so I'll keep this short and I'm going to go and finish the jumper i am knitting husband, Only the neck band left to do.

5 more days to go.....

First of all I'd like to say i love my children, really, i would do anything for them; but thank the goddess that they go back to school in 5 days. If eldest asks me 1 more inconsequential question; He asked me if the titanic was the biggest boat ever earlier, we were cooking dinner i have no idea where the question came from!! Or Middle T tells me that the others are not being nice to him: he does this when he's not getting his own way, i may scream!! I think the fact that the weather has restricted our movements this holiday is a lot to blame. The all have a severe case of cabin fever or should i say WE all have a severe case of cabin fever.

On a fab note the guy i sent an email to a couple of days ago (Hor) has got back to me about the working coven he wishes to get up and running. It would be a wonderful thing to have the support of a coven in my studies. He mainly runs in the gardenarian/ Alexandrian tradition so we will see, i may have to talk/meet up with him to see if our visions are the same.

As i write this husband is in bed he started work at 3.50am this morning, what a crazy time, so being the lovely and devoted wife i am I'd better go and slave over the stove to feed him. Beans on toast it is then lol.

A new day, A new way......

I have been doing my diary entries the old fashioned way, in a book and kept on my bookshelf, so after much deliberation have decided to do online blogging instead. It was the whole; Do i want people reading this? Then there was the, well who would even care? Am i going to start editing myself to make the blog public safe? H mm I'm not sure. So I'm gonna give this a go and see what it results in.

I am a haphazard diary writer, i do not have the discipline to do a daily entry and often weeks or months will go by with nary an entry and then there will be a rash of them, almost like i am making up for lost time or doing penance.

After looking through this years diary and seeing there are only a few entry's, I'm going to transcribe this years entry's here, and destroy the diary they're written in. I always feel strange re-reading what i have written so here goes....

Jan 1st 2008

Ok so 3 new years resolutions were made, one has already been broken. I vowed to loose weight, cut down on shopping and stop swearing like a sailor. The first 2 are going ok but the last was broken before it began. I think swearing may be my rage release, if it stops me going ballistic with the kids I'm ok with that. Smallest is driving me nuts with his clinging and i can't wait for eldest and middle two to go back to school.
Phoned mum to wish her a happy new year, past that i couldn't think of what to say. It seems that talking to her is really difficult at the moment, and when i do talk to her all we do is talk about is other people. It's almost as if we are two strangers restricted to talking about our common acquaintances. Ok I'm really tired and i can't think of anything else i wish to write about. Happy new year.

Jan 3rd 2008

Three days of dieting and truthfully I'm ready to eat my own arm. I've cleaned the rabbit out, done an assortment of housework today and nothing else of note. Read a book called Heart of stone by C.E Murphy, it was fab, I'll have to keep an eye out for future work by the author.

J called me today there were serious problems with her blood tests, and her liver function is compromised. Hopefully the hospital will sort her out at the appointment tomorrow.

Smallest is getting better on his antibiotics and his cold and ear infection is getting better. I can't wait for them all to go back to school on Monday, although truthfully they have not been as badly behaved as i anticipated.

I'm finding the diary writing difficult, I'm pretty sure this was easier when i was a child, either that or i no longer have a life. Alternatively the wonder has left me and the things i found noteworthy as a child, as an adult are merely mundane. Oh to be a child again, to look forward to a new day in anticipation of all the new and fun things it can offer.

Jan 5th 2008

Husband was at work all day today and the children are little buggers. But smallest did the funniest thing today. He's developing some really funny idiosyncrasies, because he was locked out of the kitchen he charged to door stopped at the last minute and kicked it, i nearly peed. The other one at the moment is that nobody gets a kiss anymore, but he will lick you up the cheek like a cat does.

Jan 6th 2008

Last day of the kids being at home today,they're back at school tomorrow. Had a go at my weekly torture, the Sunday crossword, I've only ever completed 2 in my life. I should have kept them and had them framed. The kids are in the bath so I've managed to sneak 5 mins to come and write this. Joy of Joys today i have found that coffee is a wonderful appetite suppressant.

Jan 21st 2008

Brandon has finally found his school bag that went missing in December, the mold growing in his lunch bag was disgusting.
Middle child T came home from nursery with a tie-die t-shirt, funny because i could have sworn i sent him in a white one. He assures me that he had a wonderful time painting his picture/ shirt.
Husband let me have a nap today smallest was really rough last night tossing and turning and then to top it off got up at 5:10am. Now as a general rule i am a morning person, but 5;10 am is ass crack of dawn, and i am so not an ass crack of dawn person.

Jan 22nd 2008

Well today has been a shitter of a day and as i write this i feel like crying. Smallest was up all night last night with a sickness bug. We thought he was getting over it at dinner so tried to go do the shopping but had to call a halt to the day when middle T felt unwell. So we went to see the parents and father in law fixed something on our car. Went to get eldest and my god daughter from school and smallest was sick everywhere again. Went into the kitchen and the dog was unwell so we had to take him to the vet. Phoned mum and asked her to watch the kids, she had just got put of the bath so sent k across. When father in law got here things were said now i don't think that husband and he are speaking. The vet cost us £30 to be told that dog is over weight and needs neutering it'll cost £220. As i write this i have smallest with me in our bed and husband is relegated to the settee again. Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight cause i feel like the living dead.

Jan 24th 2008

I feel like shite smallest has had a bug for a couple of days now and to top it all of smallest, Middle T and i all have a cold. Trying to get my brothers tax return sorted tonight and i need more info from him so i couldn't finish. Just tried the parents house to speak to brother and got a frosty reception from father in law; Family can't live with 'em, can't kill em. Lol
I got up this morning at quarter past 3.I'm knackered i was supposed to be attending daughters annual review of he statement of special educational needs but i felt that bad that i have had to reschedule. Husband and i tried to watch a dvd tonight but smallest was being evil so we had to nix the plan.

Feb 1st 2008

It's been over a month since i last wrote, I've managed to loose a stone in weight which is fab, although at the moment we all have a sickness bug. Lovely!!

August 12th 2008

So many moths since last i wrote. J lost her baby today, This makes 3 losses in 5 years. i find it hard to conceive that one minute baby was there with his heart beating and the next he was still there but not. The hospital says it was one of those things, there was nothing wrong with him his heart just stopped beating. Where do human souls go? Surely we are not just anatomy and chemicals firing at random? Isn't a soul what makes us what we are? Each of us is so very different, what of this little boys soul? Is a soul something we grow into or are we gifted with it upon conception?

So many questions, no answers, just death, loss and devastation,and those left behind trying to function. I sit here writing this and i can acutely feel all of the losses in my life. People here and then gone, just poof, soil in the ground, memories left behind.

Today i question my beliefs i have never followed a god, but surely there must be something, something after for all the souls departed. Hope is such a feeble thing and yet it is all i have..... Hope that there is something after.....Hope that there is somewhere, a little boy playing with his two sisters.......Hope that somewhere my grandparents sit together and are happy........Hope that one day i too will go to this something and meet up with those i have lost.

Aug 21st 2008
Is wicca/witchcraft the right path for me? It was something i dabbled in when i was a teenager, and alot of it's philosophies gel with my own, so it would not be a radical change. I need knowledge to know for sure. It feels like it's the right path and when i read things there is a deep sense of "oh yeah" or a de ja vous of i feel like I've done this before. So as the zen master says "we will see..." LOL